Disguised as Love

One of the painful things we see among many young people, and perhaps even among adults, is how abusive behaviour can sometimes be disguised as love.

“I'm telling you this because I love you.”

“For the sake of our relationship, don't do that.”

“If you really love me, you won't talk to that person.”

“I don't want you to go there.”

“You should dress this way.”

“You don't need those friends anymore.”

At first, such words may sound like concern. Sometimes they may even come from a genuine desire to protect. But when concern slowly becomes control, and love begins to demand obedience to another person's wishes, something is no longer right.

There are relationships where one person begins deciding what the other should wear, whom they should meet, where they should go, what they should post, what they should say, and even whom they should speak to. Disagreement is treated as disloyalty. Boundaries are treated as rejection. Questions are treated as disrespect. And sometimes fear is mistaken for respect.

The painful part is that these things are often defended in the name of love. But love does not need to control another person in order to keep them.

The Bible gives us a very different picture of love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, boast, or become proud. It does not dishonour others or insist on its own way. It is not easily angered and does not keep a record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13)

This does not mean that love never says no. Love can warn. Love can confront. Love can set boundaries. Love can speak uncomfortable truth. But there is a difference between loving guidance and controlling behaviour.

A parent can guide a child without humiliating them. A friend can warn a friend without owning their decisions. A husband or wife can express concern without treating their spouse as property. Someone who loves us can disagree with us without demanding that we surrender our freedom simply to prove our love.

Real love does not make another person smaller so that we can feel bigger. It does not isolate us from everyone else so that we have no one to turn to. It does not use guilt, fear, threats, silence, jealousy, or constant monitoring as proof of affection. And it certainly does not require us to tolerate harm simply because the person says, “I love you.”

Sometimes we need to ask ourselves difficult questions about the relationships we are in.

Am I loved, or am I being controlled?

Can I say no without being punished for it?

Can I maintain healthy friendships and relationships with others?

Can I make a decision without living in fear of someone's reaction?

Does this relationship help me become more truthful and responsible, or does it make me increasingly afraid?

These questions matter because abuse does not always begin with something obviously abusive. Sometimes it begins with excessive concern. Then it becomes a restriction. Then a demand. Then a pattern. And because every step was called “love,” it can become difficult to recognise what is happening.

Above all, there is freedom in genuine love. Not a freedom to harm one another, but a freedom to live without manipulation and fear. When love truly rules our hearts, loyalty and trust do not have to be forced. They grow naturally.

We should therefore be careful about calling every form of control “love.”

Love may ask us to change, but it does not seek to possess us.

Love may correct us, but it does not crush us.

Love may protect us, but it does not imprison us.

And love does not need abuse to prove that it cares.

So, let us learn to recognise love for what it truly is. Let us not excuse controlling, manipulative, or abusive behaviour simply because it is wrapped in the language of love. And let us also examine ourselves—whether the way we love others gives them room to grow, to speak, to choose, and to become who God has called them to be.

If we truly love, let our love be patient and kind, truthful and trustworthy, protective without being possessive, and strong without becoming controlling.

Because love honours another above yourself.